Many versions of this have been around for a long time – the originator may have been Dave Barry – but this one's at least one of the best.
dbm
Rules For The Blues
- Most Blues begin "woke up this mornin'."
- You can't use "Got a good woman" to start a Blues unless you insert something nasty in the next line.
Got a good woman
With the meanest dog in town - Blues are simple. After you have that first line, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
With the meanest dog in town
Got a good woman
With the meanest dog in town
He got teeth like Maggie Thatcher
And he weighs 'bout 500 pounds. - The Blues are NOT about limitless choice.
- Appropriate Blues transportation includes Chevy's, Cadillac's, Greyhound buses and southbound trains.
- Walkin' is a major part of the Blues lifestyle, as is fixin' to die.
- You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, Saint Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
- The following colors do not belong in the Blues:
Violet
Beige
Mauve
Teal - You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
- Good locations for the Blues:
The highway
The jailhouse
An empty bed
Bad locations for the Blues:
The Gap
Gallery openings
Weekends at the beach - No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit unless you are an old black man.
- You have a right to sing the Blues if:
Your first name is a southern state (Georgia)
You're blind
You shot a man in Memphis
You can't be satisfied
You DON'T have a right to sing the Blues if:
You were once blind but now can see
You're deaf
You have a trust fund - If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other Blues beverages are:
Wine
Irish whiskey
Muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
Any mixed drink
Any wine kosher for Passover
Yoo Hoo - Appropriate places for Blues deaths include:
Cheap motels
Shotgun shacks
Stabbed in the back
Electric chair
Substance abuse
Death during liposuction treatments is NOT an acceptable Blues death. - Creating a Blues name:
Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
First name or name of fruit (Willie, Bessie, Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, Melon)
Last name of a US President
Example - Cripple Lemon Clinton
People with names like Sequoia, Savannah or Sierra will not be permitted to sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. - Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. Blues adulthood means you're old enough to get the electric chair for shooting a man in Memphis.
Pretty good huh?
Blind Ray Jefferson Jackson
