Sunday, April 6, 2008

Feelin' The Blues

My friend composer Dwight Mikkelson brought this to my attention and as it is of world-shaking importance I relay it to you...

Many versions of this have been around for a long time – the originator may have been Dave Barry – but this one's at least one of the best.


Rules For The Blues
  1. Most Blues begin "woke up this mornin'."

  2. You can't use "Got a good woman" to start a Blues unless you insert something nasty in the next line.

       Got a good woman
       With the meanest dog in town

  3. Blues are simple. After you have that first line, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

       Got a good woman
       With the meanest dog in town

       Got a good woman
       With the meanest dog in town

       He got teeth like Maggie Thatcher
       And he weighs 'bout 500 pounds.

  4. The Blues are NOT about limitless choice.

  5. Appropriate Blues transportation includes Chevy's, Cadillac's, Greyhound buses and southbound trains.

  6. Walkin' is a major part of the Blues lifestyle, as is fixin' to die.

  7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, Saint Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

  8. The following colors do not belong in the Blues:

  9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.

  10. Good locations for the Blues:
       The highway
       The jailhouse
       An empty bed

    Bad locations for the Blues:
       The Gap
       Gallery openings
       Weekends at the beach

  11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit unless you are an old black man.

  12. You have a right to sing the Blues if:
       Your first name is a southern state (Georgia)
       You're blind
       You shot a man in Memphis
       You can't be satisfied

    You DON'T have a right to sing the Blues if:
       You were once blind but now can see
       You're deaf
       You have a trust fund

  13. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other Blues beverages are:
       Irish whiskey
       Muddy water

    Blues beverages are NOT:
       Any mixed drink
       Any wine kosher for Passover
       Yoo Hoo

  14. Appropriate places for Blues deaths include:
       Cheap motels
       Shotgun shacks
       Stabbed in the back
       Electric chair
       Substance abuse
    Death during liposuction treatments is NOT an acceptable Blues death.

  15. Creating a Blues name:
       Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
       First name or name of fruit (Willie, Bessie, Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, Melon)
       Last name of a US President
          Example - Cripple Lemon Clinton

    People with names like Sequoia, Savannah or Sierra will not be permitted to sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

  16. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. Blues adulthood means you're old enough to get the electric chair for shooting a man in Memphis.

Pretty good huh?
Blind Ray Jefferson Jackson

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